It’s easy to have sympathy when a child is sad or scared or suffering. But when they’re just basically “annoying?” It can be so hard to have compassion on this “attention seeking.” That’s when I have to remind myself what I explained to my ten year old: She’s not attention seeking, she’s attachment seeking.
But then I remember. The God who’s brought me here, who’s carried me before and carries me still, who despite it all and by it all has blessed me deeply. And I get up & stand again on the promises I own in Him. I re-place my trust, refocus on the mission, rejoice in all I have. And I rediscover, again, the great joy of this life I get to live.
We chose to step into brokenness. A brokenness that is not easily mended, a brokenness that writes itself on DNA & belief systems & physiological reactions. But we stepped into this place, and we walk in is still.
It’s much easier to see & sit in the brokenness. We have to fight to see the joy, search for the healing, choose gratitude. Hopelessness will overwhelm you if you don’t fight for hope.
The rollercoaster of emotions—the heartbreak of loss, the anxiety of the future, the overwhelm of the privilege, the joy of the love both given and received.
The arrogant thesis behind this question: If you love your kid, you do whatever it takes to get them back. But have you ever stopped and considered the obstacles, the roadblocks, the internal and external forces that fight against our kids’ parents as they fight for their kids?
Most of what I share speaks directly to foster and adoptive parents. This one's for the rest of you. You read what I write, but I want to make sure you're not reading into what I don't write, so I'm going to spell it out, clear as can be.
You don’t need to see the whole path. You won’t ever know the destination. You just need the faith to start. You just need a very first “yes.”
Don’t wait to arrive at “ready.” You never will. The question is: Are you ready to take the first step?
Caring for vulnerable children in any way is important work. Don’t wait for the “one day” that may (or may not) come. Step out in whatever small way you’re able now. This is the work that you want to be a part of it...so be a part of it!
There’s no easy way to lose a child. And as a foster parent, you don’t even get to acknowledge your loss. Celebrate reunification. Accept the next placement. Remind yourself that this is the gig. Put on a brave face. All while having lost a child, a child who feels like and who was—in every sense except, you know, actually—yours.
Building relationships with our kids’ parents isn’t (just) about being kind and compassionate and humble toward them. It’s about doing all that we can to work towards creating the outcomes that we are praying for our kids.
Foster care is about family. It’s about welcoming a child into your family. It’s about—in one way or another—welcoming another family into your family.
Foster care is about protection. But it’s about more than that. Foster care is about restoration.
Maybe you leave out some of the specific details, maybe you talk to your child about what and how you’ll share. But I encourage you to share. Share with your child’s teacher, so they have all they need to know to love and serve and teach your child well.
We don’t have to know where the road will end. We know Who’s called us. We know Who’s determined the path. We know Who’s walking with us.
But my hope as a foster parent isn’t that I will be missed & yearned for & remembered. My hope is that my impact will remain, but the memory of me will fade. That the love of a mother through her earliest years will be forever imprinted on her brain & body & heart, but that the loss of me as that mother won’t be felt.
I could resent that my simple picture of what family "should" be has been wrecked. But I choose to see that the blurry edges create a more beautiful picture. That the open ends and the added faces only add to the unique design. Our experience of the fullness of family has expanded right along with the definition of it.
You are called to foster care. Yeah, you. Maybe not foster parenting, but foster care.
Mostly, that all that we have is from Him, any love we show comes through Him, the best we can do is lead to Him, and it’s all really for Him.
I can teach, get to their heart, give (hopefully natural) consequences, offer redos, encourage them to ask forgiveness and repair, pray, share Scripture.
