It will serve them well to understand that together you are a family on a mission, ready to do the good works God has prepared for you, deployed by Mom and/or Dad, in service to the Lord. We decide for ourselves and for our children: “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord” (Josh. 24:15).

So name their feelings, share tools, offer your own regulated presence to them. And do it all over and over and then over again.

The call of the gospel transforms and sets us on mission.
The hope of heaven offers us a promise that makes it all worth it.
The Person of Jesus carries and sustains us through it all.

My love—deep and true as it is—is weak and limited and devastatingly flawed.

But. There is a love that is perfect. And it changes everything. It is the love of God, “made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world." (1 John 4:9)

So what can we do to protect ourselves? We can do pursue things that elicit the opposite of that scary list of symptoms—peace, joy, rest, health, trust in the Lord. The antidote to secondary trauma is proactive, intentional self care. For me, this looks like:

My kids have brains & bodies that carry the effects of trauma AND are sinners in need of the forgiveness of Jesus. I see them & parent them through the lens of both.

I hold the conviction of prioritizing the protection & restoration of the family not because it's always logical or what I want, but because I believe that God created & cherishes & desires to heal the family.

Speak to your kids about foster care the way you hope they'll think about foster care, because they're listening. And live out foster care the way you hope they'll live out foster care, because they're watching.

Being the stand-in mom for a baby during these critical attachment building months & years is one of the most important jobs on earth. I get to literally shape this baby’s brain & nervous system, color his view of the world, transform his ability to build relationships & trust—including, hopefully, eventually with his (biological) mom—forever.

I know how hard this is-how painful & terrifying it is to watch a child go to a situation you would never choose. I know what it means to have to fight to hold these foundational beliefs.

But they're worth fighting for, because the family is worth fighting for.

As a foster parent, I am compelled by the love of Christ. I seek to love with the love of Christ. But firstly and mostly, I am the recipient of the love of Christ.

It’s the heart of the big story of the Bible, the gospel of Jesus Christ. God is about redeeming and restoring sinners to Himself. And God is about redeeming and restoring that which sin has destroyed. Including the family.

The longer I’m at this parenting thing, the more deeply I understand that the tools & strategies are limited. Mostly because I am limited. I am limited in my energy & strength, in my goodness & love, in my ability to perfectly implement imperfect methods.

What is your why for foster care? What catches you when you are sure to fall—into discouragement, despondency, fear? When you are shaken to your core, what is the unshakable rock it’s all built upon?

Let’s approach our kids’ parents with compassion, humility, & respect. Let’s put ourselves in their shoes, fight to understand their feelings, be sure to honor their role.

Let’s do it for their benefit and let’s do it for the benefit of our kids.

It is to our children’s benefit that—in our homes—their parents are honored, their stories are held, and their feelings are given space. 🤍

I celebrate the grace of God in bringing him into our home for this time. And I'll shout from the rooftops how lucky we are to get to be his family, to get to love him. But you'll never hear me call him lucky.

My big hack for “doing all the things” is to release the illusion and idol of control and perfection and get very comfortable with your own weakness and shortcomings. The key to spinning a lot of plates is being ok with dropping one every once in a while, asking for help or forgiveness as you pick up the pieces, & keeping on with the spinning, identity in tact.

Yes, giving them up is impossible.
But giving up control is even harder.